Breastapo

In that vulnerable post-natal daze, brainwashed by the NCT and other hard-line members of the Breastapo, I almost believed it was better to starve my son than pollute him with formula.

Not all women can produce enough milk to feed their babies, and many push themselves to the brink of sanity in the attempt to do so, partly because of the pressure piled on to them by the Breastapo.

I'd heard about the Breastapo but hadn't encountered a member yet. These are midwives and nurses whose keenness on breastfeeding somewhat overwhelms their ability to be kind and considerate.

Debate over breast feeding versus formula has flared this year, with formula-feeding mothers complaining they feel vilified for choosing formula for their babies - with "breastapo"-like tactics on many maternity wards.

Breastfeeding experts like Ms Burbridge must help us banish the breastapo, the mafia, breastfeeding nazis and the witches of breastmilk, those so-called carers who can no longer see the women for the tits.

As news emerges that supermarkets are rationing popular brands to prevent formula being bought in bulk and shipped to China, where it can fetch three times the price, the ‘breastapo’ are out in force, berating the formula-feeding pariahs who feed our babies this manufactured ‘poison’.