Minging

She's minging.

Warm beer is minging.

The weather today is minging!

Root beer is minging – and it's a misnomer.

The weather today is minging.

Once, Cookie even tried to get me to give it a go with Jez – can you believe the nerve of that? 'Why would I want to do that? He's minging.' 'Why not? It won't hurt. He never gets a shag.' 'No, Cookie. Bloody hell.' He hasn't got a clue. 'Wouldn't you be jealous?' 'No.' 'You're an idiot. Why do you think he never gets a shag?' 'Why?' 'Because he's minging!' 'So? I'm minging. We're all minging. None of us are exactly page three, are we, Billie?'

Cleaners are always prime suspects for office thefts but in my long experience it's nearly all employees, with a tiny remainder down to traditional burglary. My advice is to presume the Nike-clad cleaner innocent and take personal stuff home, especially minging sportswear.

How can you shag bare lads? / Is your fanny not stinging? / I bet your fanny's fucking minging