Hmmm, and obviously your lack of talent has qualified you to judge this year's 1999 Useless Fuckhead Cascade Awards where posters are not guaged^([sic]) by flammage ratios but instead on how gratuitously they've smooched the nifkins off eachother's^([sic]) butts.
Source: wiktionary
You can lightly massage his perineum (taint, bonch, grundle, nifkin, whatever it is you kids call it these days), or you can snap on a latex (or nitrile if either of you are allergic to latex) glove and go about two inches in and feel around for something the size of a walnut, and massage gently.
Source: wiktionary